Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
