I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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