Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
