david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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