i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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