The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
