listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I need to calm my uterus...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
