Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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