Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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