noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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