Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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