She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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