She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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