Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
