I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize