the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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