I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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