On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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