I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize