I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I need to stop coming to work sober
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
