I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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