The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
