Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize