I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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