Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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