Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
