I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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