So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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