I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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