im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
