if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
