Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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