You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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