I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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