Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
