oh god the rape fog is back!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
