Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
