My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
