i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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