Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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