I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
