I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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