...so i touched it.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
