If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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