there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
