She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
