just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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