I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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