fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize