dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
