I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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