mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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