You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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