im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
