it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
They have beer where we have blood.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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