For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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