if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
