OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
