I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
