omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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