you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
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